August Reflected in a Lake

Ok, so maybe it isn’t August anymore

Book Choice for August 2020: Normal People by Sally Rooney

I wasn’t going to write about this book, for reasons of aspiration and snobbery. During the summer I also heard Can you Forgive Her? by Anthony Trollope on audiobook, which was a re-read for me of sorts! I first read it when I was 16, but could only recall the main character’s names and the ending. Anyway, CYFH “fit” in better with my reading “plans,” so much that I was going to ignore the other book which I definitely read in August, devoured in two days beside a lake. That’s where the snobbery comes in–that I didn’t feel like admitting Normal People by Sally Rooney into my precious “12 Books a Year.” This feeling might come from internalised misogyny regarding romance novels (although they really aren’t my thing) and a pinch of native elitism. Native to me, I mean.

I told myself, I’m going to write about CYFH on the blog, as there is a very specific dear girl in England who I want to sit at a kitchen table with to fully eviscerate  Normal People. I still do want to do that, whenever life permits, however, I was due for a contemporary read, one that, you know, other people now alive are reading. It’s not a crime to be, in the tiniest way, up to date. As well, about 15 years ago I came across the term “literary roughage” in an article, coined by I know not who, but which I have never forgotten. This means—after pushing yourself a bit to understand deep thoughts in high-style, one should also read a bit of literary ‘junk food.’

This is not at all to say that Normal People is trash, I only mean that it is a comparatively lighter read, for me, than say, Cesar’s Commentaries or the Palliser novels (the Palliser novels don’t cause me to sink in and relax, I find them rather strenuous). I just advocate that one should mix it up, vary your diet—and this also means avoiding proscriptive lists that you may discover that you are not actually looking forward to “completing”—especially when classics hang around on a to-read list for awhile they can feel like “to-do’s” and little else.

In August I read Normal People beside a lake. We had snuck away camping for three days and it was very interesting to do it on our own as backpackers without the caravan of vehicles and full-size barbeque that my family believes it is necessary to camp with. In the end the ground was so hard and our sleeping mats so inefficient that we cut our stay by one night. Our thirty-something bones couldn’t bear it!

But it was lovely by the lake. And to get away from the house, all responsibilities, and sort of face each other, and ourselves, without any daily tasks beyond preparing a meal and lying in the sun. It was really enjoyable, and also a bit stenuous, in the way of suddenly having free time to wander around in one’s own mind sometimes is. When I wanted to be occupied I turned the pages of Normal People, and it was very engrossing–although I found I was able to put it down when I had had enough of super-humanly self-possessed and self-aware teenagers.

There were things I hated about this book. I can live my entire life without reading about another graceful, thin, wistful, helpless sad girl. The way this girl was sad does not exactly ring true–and is a bit of a “obvious” line to draw between happy poor families and messed-up rich families, but ok. The female protagonist was…a bit of a princess in a tower, which is something I just can’t get behind. She was self-destructive and that is a true enough result of being sad, but still…Oh, wherefore art the bolshie girls who eat normally, suffer yes, are misunderstood terribly, but save themselves? Well, not in this book. Actually I was so struck by the way that Nymphette’s lack of appetite was almost sexualized, and they way in which disordered eating was romanticized and made to seem almost appealing that I nearly called this review Normal People Gave Me an Eating Disorder. But that would be hyperbole, and disrespectful to people actually suffering, so I refrained. I really can’t condemn this trope strongly enough though, if the lead girl isn’t a perfect beautiful far-off cipher, is the only alternative sad-waif? That seems so tired.

Anyway, the writing in this novel is good, obviously, millions have said it before I. It really draws you in. I did was totally unprepared for one or two tears to suddenly well, up, unbidden from a place deep inside me, totally forgotten about. It was a bit of a shock and in a single instant paid the price of admission. So there was magic here, although in some ways I cannot shake my skepticism–and I do not like how hard I’m being on this book, I’m being much harder on the book of a woman younger than me that I am on boring works of old men dead and gone.

Why?

Well, that’s the thing about internalised misogyny, it’s old and buried deep within the flesh, sinew filaments grafted to bone. What is also mentioned a lot in discussions of this book are it’s “Marxist tendencies.” In general I didn’t think it was so daring that way, except one scene that sticks out, when the poor guy wins a scholarship and for a little while can enjoy the life many of his rich peers take for granted, while Nymphette has also worked hard and won the same scholarship but can only see it as an intellectual feather in her cap–the fact that it provides MONEY and freedom as well as status as one of the smartest young people at the uni is completely lost on her, because she doesn’t have money worries.

This is something I have noticed ever since I first went to uni, and even then felt was galling and ridiculous, that rich, and naturally often better prepared students were allowed to compete for scholarships that they didn’t in any way need, but merely pursued for the sake of their own vanity, and perhaps, CV. I have never seen this particular gripe expressed in writing though. Its valuable that this book includes it, but is that enough for this book to “be” Marxist? There are so many other class-based obsessions in England and Ireland that to comment on the fact that a poor-ish dude might have difficulty ending up with a quite rich girl—and Nymphette IS quite rich, she doesn’t have to work in the holidays, but instead goes on actual holidays which allow her to rest from her academic labours, and enjoy herself in large rented houses in foreign cities with other rich friends, (who are mostly knobs by the way,  is that also a social commentary the book was making?)

It makes me recall how in high school, a well-off girl asked me why I worked after school–I just wanted some spending money of my own. She told me “I don’t work because school is my job“—and I still don’t know exactly why I found that so noteworthy that I have remembered it for 20 years. I mean, I had all my basic needs covered but I wanted to express myself with clothes and have some freedom, and it didn’t really seem to be the done thing to ask for money anytime I wanted some. I certainly wasn’t applying myself hard to my schoolwork at the time, so it may have shocked me to hear that some people did, but it was more the the total certainty (and some superiority) in her voice and expression. I think I know now what I thought then,

“That’s what rich people tell their children, that school is their job.”

It’s one of those very small-seeming privileges,  which can equate to huge things regarding how your life works out, it is a very real thing that economic factors draw invisible frames around the dreams that different people are permitted to dream. I’m not referring to my experience here, I have been impervious to reality (and my own limitations) for a long time, but at some basic level this has been because I have grown up in the massive lending culture of North America and I have been able, on the basis of one parent’s stable job, been able to access credit.

It seems like “privilege” has been the buzzword of the last 5 to 10 years; honestly, someone should do a study charting the increased use of that that word. For this and many other reasons it isn’t so surprising that Normal People has been such a lightning rod for various class-based discussions. It seems like there should be MANY other books which comment on contemporary social class—but maybe there aren’t. Maybe we have tricked ourselves into thinking its a thing of the Victorian past. It seems odd that we need it in such a basic format, poor boy//rich girl before we can GET that it’s a problem, but ok, whatever it takes to get people talking about the reason under the reason that Marianne wouldn’t, in the future, end up marrying Connell, someone she is deeply in love with. The reason under the reason is class—the reason on top of the reason SHOULD BE that he treats her like crap and can’t express a basic feeling yay or nay regarding her if someone had him at gunpoint.

Did I care about the characters? Nope, but in just one instance I flitted effortlessly into her shoes, and saw that kind of mad love again. Still, she should never have stuck around after such treatment as she got in the beginning of the book–alas, we often do, once or twice—and if she hadn’t, it would have been a very short book. So. Is this book deserving of being included in my precious roster of 12 books a year?

I guess the answer is…

…certainly. 

Roman Revels

I, Claudius and Claudius the God, Book Choices for June and July 2020, respectively

Dear Blog! It is so wonderful to get back to you. It is September, but the summer is persisting. Which is probably a good thing. I want to tell you about some time-travelling I did lately with I, Claudius, a novel by Robert Graves, for which I am SO grateful. I am not sure what exactly inspired me to read it (I have a vague purpose of not wanting to read historically-inspired stuff from other historical eras, while in the final throes of my PhD, lest I drown in altogether too much Altertumsgeschichte). You can have too much history, you know.

But somehow, this was perfect. I, Claudius hit the spot, it was just right. It was in June-July that I read that book, in a hard-copy I had ordered on a book binge last year (thanks past me, you were very right, in this case) and so, as the Covid situation started to lighten up in July (at least in Germany) I used my Audible credit for that month on the sequel to I, Claudius. Hoo boy, it was perfect, like its predecessor, a totally engrossing listen, at the right exact time. I am so happy to have a physical copy of the first book, and an audio copy of the second, I think I will try and accumulate them both in the opposite format too, because I can’t decide! I, Claudius was SUCH a fun read on paper, and at first I wasn’t sure if Claudius the God was going to live up to its predecessor, because you spend SO MANY chapters at the beginning with Herod Agrippa, a scallywag sometimes-king of Palestine, and I was often thinking “What is happening? I care about Claudius, when is Herod going to go away?

He never really does, but you see through reading the book that his lengthy sections were necessary to give a proper historical background to the larger, international stage that Claudius is now on. It is a WONDERFUL BOOK. Take my word, if you are at all interested in Roman history, it is a ripping good yarn. The whole Christ-messiah-situation is elaborated on, but through Roman eyes, in a larger context, and it describes in detail Claudius’ invasion of Britain and what is probably quite an accurate representation of what Romans at the time knew about Britain (–and Druids !!) I thoroughly enjoyed it and now very much want to read The Gallic Wars by Julius Cesar, which deal with his conquests in France, and include an account of invasion of Britian–I just find the period of Roman expansion into that island, them trying to set up satellite Roman life there and their subsequent retreat sooooo fascinating. I very much want to read more about that period.

It is just super when reading leads to more reading, and I think that great modern treatments of historical periods are the perfect stepping stone into reading the original works themselves—or at least I always hoped that would be the case. In this instance, it seems to really be working, and although none of the emperor Claudius’ books survive (he was a scholar and is supposed to have written over 50 volumes relating the history of Etruria and of early Rome and its religion— it is a crime that these don’t remain to the modern world—) I am now really in a Roman mood.

To continue on with the emperors, I have purchased an audiobook of Suetonius’ The 12 Caesars, because I have heard its “wild”—for a classic— (but to be honest, I don’t really buy that, I think that whoever said so must be steeped in Classics, and I suspect that it can only be comparatively wild). And I am someone who studied Classics! So I know that, while they are interesting things to study at university, they are not necessarily things you relax with at the end of the day. Anyway, I am going to try it, —with the preconceived notion very much in mind that “the classics are difficult and dry”— on audiobook because I think that might be a bit more engaging. We shall see how it goes! I love the idea of reading the Greek and Roman Classics, nevertheless the words “easy” or “fun” do not immediately spring to mind when I think of them. I’m sure I can’t be alone in this…

But back to Claudius, he is really wonderful. A narrator you really enjoy listening to and who it is easy to root for. Actually, that is the major delight of these books, beside the rich historical detail, they are easy. The writing effortlessly draws one in completely, and weaves in all the fascinating historical detail so naturally, that you feel this all is true and really happened, without having to stretch your concentration much. I can only imagine that this depth of historical detail was possible because Robert Graves himself had a first-class late 19th century Classics-focused education (although I am not sure that he did. But I can tell you I will be reading every other work of his I can get my hands on). These books were really really delightful and I recommend them wholeheartedly. I am always looking for books that are worth re-reading, and these are those. I just have to wait for another time in life to pass, to the point where I do not remember them well enough, so that I can gasp at the intrigue afresh.

I am going to close off this blog, elated as I am that I am getting “back on track” with writing about my reading, with a super self-indulgent trip down the nostalgia whirlpool. (Aside—I was just thinking, the other day, that Dumbledore’s Pensieve is actually a nostalgia whirlpool), ANYWAY–

The year is 2004, and I am sitting in a classroom at my first University, on the upper level of a tall building that has since been changed completely, but probably still feels institutional, desperately reading about the Julio-Claudian emperors. Well, I certainly was reading about them with concentrated focus, the essay must have been due the next morning, otherwise I wouldn’t have made the effort to stay away from home late, but at the same time, I can remember enjoying myself; after all, who knew if, this time, dawn would come?

The overhead lights are dim-bright and probably buzzed slightly, but you got used to it and didn’t hear it anymore. The air is still, a bit stale, and all is silence. At this point, I didn’t have a laptop, I was taking notes on paper (oh the times, oh the days) after which I would head downstairs to the 24 hour computer room to type out knowledge so freshly acquired I am sure my prof could smell the paint on it.

This is quite a precious memory for me, looking back to a time when I knew literally nothing, but somehow my brain preserved one distinct moment when I realized I was alive, and I could do anything with this life of mine, but for now I was studying, and I had all night.

Whirlpool out.

The Circle of Influence

“Good Life” here translates as “you can live with yourself, nothing flashy.”

Hello, and welcome back to Slow Scholarship. After a few rocky weeks, where I got, as I am sure most people did, caught up in terrible world events, I have decided that this platform isn’t going to be about reacting to awful things. I know, it seems very head-in-the-sand to say that, but I have decided, that when it comes to what I feel very strongly about: money talks loudest.

Now, I have almost never in the past 10 years believed that I had any
disposable income, being cosseted in debt as I am, but recently, the most miraculous thing happened (but I didn’t feel like reporting it at the time, because the US was in convulsions. I was also surprised how deeply that affected me. It seemed to affect a lot of the world, there was an outpouring of support for the Black Lives Matter movement across much of Europe at least, which is a positive thing). As for my little world, in early June I was told that I have won a stipendium.

Thank God. (With the big G–I am serious, this is like a miracle to me). Oh, how I dreamed about writing a blog post about this day, should it ever come, and putting a pretty picture of a glass of champagne at the top
of the post. I fantasized about it. Then, suddenly, with people being murdered in the streets of a superpower “democracy,” it didn’t seem so important.

I suspect that in the last month or so, a lot of us have been searching for answers. (Of course, some people don’t seem fussed, but as I remind myself about every three hours, I am not them. They are not me. I only have my own conscience to balance). I have found some solace in Stoicism, or at least Stoicism filtered through a modern (capitalistic!) lens, in the form of a little book of the collected newspaper articles called The Art of the Good Life, by Rolf Dobelli. In particular the article called “Mental Relief Work: Why You’re Not Responsible for the State of the World.

Oh god, it sounds callous, and some parts of the chapter still seem quite callous (I personally wouldn’t go so far as to say that I want to practice “social irresponsibility” as the physicist Richard Feynman apparently advocated. But it does help to remember that a) problems have very complex roots, and b) despite thinking about something a lot, I myself probably do not have, alone, the ability to adequately solve a complex problem like racism (which is very different from saying that it isn’t a problem!)

I have owned this book since about 2016, and I dip into it every year. It’s so munch-able. There are a few things I don’t agree with, and he’s got a really shallow view of Marx, but otherwise, this book contains a trove of good points. I want to integrate many of them into my life, and perhaps read his other “million-selling” book, The Art of Thinking Clearly. We all need that, after all.

What Dobelli does advise in this chapter is, if you want to have some hand in making change, put your money where your mouth is. And don’t get it wrong, the author repeats, “Give money, not your time, money.

(By this I think he mostly means that when you are contemplating “good works” concerning problems that are located abroad in countries not your own, you should send relief organizations money. Closer to home I am sure that one can affect real change by volunteering, by serving food to people in need, or giving the masses access to culture via a short-film festival. Organizations or exhibitions close to home would fall within one’s circle of
influence
).

But back to money’s ability to talk, and to make things happen. Now (for the next six months, lol!) I can meet my basic needs and I found, that rather than trying to put into words all my frustration at the world, I am going to donate (oh, it’s not enormous, but everything is relative) to the causes I want to see furthered. There are societies, think-tanks, independent newspapers, lobbyists, and activist groups are working hard to change the world, in ways I simply cannot by typing words on a screen. And doing so, only drains me.

I’m going to give them some money when I can and let myself off the hook for the wrongs of the world. It’s the same way billionaires push their personal agendas as well of course: by giving money judiciously and certainly very self-servingly. I’m not saying I am some type of evolved being: I am just glad now I can play the game that already runs the world. I’m really not trying to get points here. I am as amazed as anyone that I found something I want to exercise my will toward.*

Thus, one can extend one’s influence by donating money, and that’s pretty much it. Tweeting about problems, trying to argue with people who come from different places and have totally different concerns just gets you worked up and wastes time.

A very weird thing about this blog is, this summer I was debating whether or not to go on with it, and when I looked back in some posts the overall tone seemed so mopey, ughhh, it certainly doesn’t sound like I celebrate life, it sounds like I just get through, despite the fact that I am very happy daily and have been very lucky. Then there was a global pandemic and everyone was scared, exhausted and then depressed, and then horrible crimes were visible on the news, and there were naturally aftershocks of these.

Now, I don’t think all of that is over, or that we have heard the last of these types of problems. It’s just that, finding a way, a tiny way, to actually do something, even if it is only looking at someone who is downplaying the effects of racism in the eye and thinking to yourself, I am working against this, is so galvanizing. And I’ve rather come back to life, out of the morose-wallowing-in-failure haze that wafts around this blog. I am more grateful than ever for what I have, and I want to live in the present.

A Ramble in Middlemarch

This was a thing that happened

Book Choice for May 2020: My Life in Middlemarch by R. Mead

At this very moment, I am not feeling creative. Nor witty, clever or smart. I’m tired. Of course I could save this review (in the loosest sense of the term) for later, but also, I can’t. I’m up to my neck in it here, and there isn’t going to be a later. There is only going forward, so, so imperfectly.

Time has passed. It seems that you only need about a week to get over happenings, barring the life-altering ones. I did get over my book hangover, gradually, and lately I have just wanted to read, read, read, which I suppose is a good thing, except I need to be doing so many other, practical, real-world [thesis] reading, so it is probably just a last-chance spasm of procrastination —a vice I have almost conquered, after twenty years of halfheartedly trying. And what’s next Ozymandias? Or was it Alexander? No more worlds to conquer.

While I was coming out of the haze brought on by the absolute gripping-ness of The Mirror and the Light, I tried to nudge myself gently back into listening to my audiobook of My Life in Middlemarch. It was an enjoyable thing, pleasant to have on while cooking, sometimes I wanted to snort derisively and I will tell you why, but overall it was very pleasant. I might even hear it again someday. It’s like listening to a lecture about George Eliot’s life —what would you call that? Oh yes, biography.

You see, she was this passionate, creative, ahead of her time woman (the first two characteristics do not really come across in this book), one of her stepsons was a racist (Oh the times, oh the days—he was also quite a live wire, or as we would say now, a a weirdo). George Eliot was quite ugly and this lost her a potential mate, from this one can only assume he wasn’t worthy (the charms of her face or lack thereof is dwelt on at length, was this really necessary?) but these are the sections that come to mind as not quite satisfactory.

Also not quite satisfactory was the fact that the Audible book at first sounded like it was narrated by a seventy-five-year-old lady with rather a scratchy voice—you get used to it in time but in the back of your mind for the whole experience, you think: How old is this author? When was she in university? From the timeline of her parent’s marriage which she describes at the end of the book, it would seem that the author went to university in the late 1970s (?)

That would make her a member of my mother’s generation, and as I am well into child bearing age, almost out of it, this is indeed going back awhile.

But this last point should be seen as extremely marginal. There was a lot I liked about the book, as I wanted to know more about George Eliot. And, as sometimes can happen with authors, there isn’t too much to say. I mean, she stayed at home all day and wrote. She must have employed servants in order to give her the free time to work but she never mentions them (a housekeeper’s account is mentioned once) and neither does the author. Mead therefore was left to do four things:

  1. Visit every house, meadow, and unattended post-box which may ever have been glanced at by Elliot (yes, I exaggerate, but only slightly)
  2. Touch every manuscript ever worked on by Eliot, regardless of where they are housed in the world
  3. Read every Victorian letter with even the slightest relationship to Eliot (rather you than me)
  4. Go on imaginative flights of fancy regarding who may have inspired certain characters from Eliot’s oeuvre.

Because I am feeling like a bit of an ass, I’ll start with Number 4. One very long discussion (or was it a chapter? the audible version only has numbers not chapter titles so we will never know) centered on whether a real-life Oxford don (actually a Rector) and his young, beautiful, vivacious, religious wife could have provided the inspiration for the characters of Dorothea and Mr. Casaubon in Middlemarch. The lives, loves, and letters of these two real-life people are completely (I mean it) rehashed, and one visit–ONE summer’s afternoon visit of George Eliot to their residence for tea is reconstructed in FORENSIC detail. Oh my goodness, it did seem a bit to me like “filler” even though there are certain parallels (the Rector’s wife was after all a woman, and beautiful, and pious. What more evidence do you need?) Well, a lot actually, as Mead ends this very, very long imaginative foray with “but it could all just be a coincidence and the Rector, while significantly older than his wife, doesn’t seem to have been an extremely priggish dried old prune” (I’m paraphrasing).

Umm, thank you. I enjoyed that I guess?

But as I don’t really care about Dorothea, as everyone seems to, so keen to cast themselves as a spiritually-inspired, strikingly beautiful woman who goes on to do very average things–ho-hum. I’m team Casaubon as you all well know. He’s my spirit animal.

By the way, here is a picture of me taken during quarantine:

Points 2 and 3 of the above list are quite self-explanatory, Mead seems to have touched ALL the papers, even the creepy ones written by a superfan of Eliot’s that for some reason were saved for the last chapter of the book. Basically, Mead, who seems to live in New York and England at the same time, has retraced the steps to every.single.landmark ever associated with George Eliot –“perhaps, she thought to herself, “what a superbly decent Chinese laundry” as she strolled under the majestic Elms, now the site of several trashcans, in Beromseypudding Middlesborough Londonstreet.” (Again, I’m paraphrasing).

Actually, I did kind of laugh when, after a truly good chapter on George Eliot’s marriage, which struck me with its sustained, and mutually sustaining, passion—-which is not at all a small victory! Well, the MAJOR thing about their marriage was that they weren’t—yes, they were Not Married, In the Victorian Era. Because they didn’t give a damn, they just loved each other, wow, I found it truly inspirational. There was so much social pressure, and Georgie just let the false friends fall away. Less people to call on her to make annoying chit-chat probably.

So the author goes to visit the scene of this twenty years of domestic bliss and ends up just rambling around a tiled subway station, romantically musing whether G.E’s garden once ran down to the very edge of the wastewater stream. I was on a train and I almost screamed with laughter. Oh my god, thank you, I wasn’t expecting such gifts.

This memoir was so detailed for several reasons: the author obviously has an academic bent and takes that research-process seriously. All the imaginative fictions are as well-founded as they could be, and also, in very rare moments, supplemented by her own experiences, for example, as a mother, she can understand that having several boys in the house can be a rather smelly experience. (Yeah, these asides are not always the deepest. The author seemed to want to preserve her professionalism and thus remained distant). Actually once she was like “I had a lover,* who wrote me poetry, probably he would have been attracted to Beaudelaire over Wordsworth” (or some such high-register tosh). I’m sorry, I have spoken Oxford in the past and even I don’t….

Mainly, this memoir was so detailed, and extracted every ounce of water it could from various scattered materials, because it was the product of obsession. And we should all be so lucky to be so obsessed with something—a thing and not a person. A thing–better yet, a work of art, or a thought/theme— that runs with you through your whole life and changes, sometimes with you, sometimes away from you, or you turn away from it only to rediscover it cropping up later. And that is what this book is—a love affair, that when communicated turns rather dryer and a teensy bit ludicrous to the hearer.

It’s not a must, at all. But it is rather lovely, if you want to hear a million fond remembrances of dear ideas fondly recalled. While none of G.E’s other works particularly grab me, I agree that Middlemarch is essential reading once in your life, but at least for me, who does not doubt its rich humanism, it is not a lifestyle.

Some other star guides me.

*Not a boyfriend. A lover. Not a one-time canoodle. A lov-AHhhh!

The Mirror and the Light

Thanks, now I have a hangover

Book Choice for April 2020: The Mirror and the Light by Hilary Mantel

**this review will contain Spoilers**

Hello again, and welcome to Slow Scholarship. Where we avoid our work and world events with 900-page tomes. And that was the right choice, for an April that was weird no matter where you were in the world. From early in the month, off and on for twenty days, I was enthralled with this wonderfully written book every time I picked it up, which I tried to do sparingly.

I suppose the writing style might not be for everyone, it makes the reader privy to pretty much every thought Thomas Cromwell has ever had, he even interrupts his own musings with fleeting memories from his past. Personally, I think this is the absolute strength of this book, as it accurately portrays the rambling of a real human mind, and how such a mind works as it grows older and looks back. It also minutely depicts how unrelenting it was to be someone with great power and responsibility—Thomas Cromwell had so many concerns that I found myself completely immersed and forgot all my own.

And the WRITING—all I can honestly say is “wow” (did you come here for high style or honesty?) As I mentioned in my last blog, this book was “woven.” I just don’t know how otherwise to describe how this sleight-of-hand was performed, it certainly wasn’t typed. It was dreamt, and transcribed by a ghost. It must have been channeled. But seriously, how does one learn to write like this? Mantel has inhabited Thomas Cromwell, and although I recognize that there was serious hard-work as pertains to the machinery of the story behind the curtain of lucid prose, you don’t see it. When TC begins his downfall, which I strongly suspected was coming (not from the book, from history) it happened as a single drop of water falling in a puddle. Or rather, the reader knows it will rain, that it is already raining, and is watching the puddles for the shattering of the smooth surface that must come…but instead, while the sound is happening, the drops don’t connect. The anticipated doesn’t happen, and one realizes that what you see with your eyes cannot be trusted, that some invisible force has ceased to function.

You are Thomas Cromwell, but you don’t yet know that you should fear. Then suddenly, you are the Reader again, and you start to suspect, but Thomas is able to brush away signs traced in the air. “Pack your bags and leave for the Continent, Thomas!” you want to tell him.

The sense of impending doom grows, but we’ve been with him for so long, you know there is nothing to do but follow him down. How did Mantel do it? How did she cause us to suffer along with her hero, while hardly revealing any clues at all? This book causes us to live the progression of a lingering doubt. Then there is a reprieve, and we dispel our own notions. You look back over your relationship with Henry… knowing, intellectually, that when he turns his back and loses interest, it is final. But your heart says, that is for other people, we have shared deep things, the hardest of times. My relationship with Henry is different, he has loved me. Well, he did love me. I know he is capable of orchestrating my death. He will tell others he hates me. But he loved me. He did. He did!

How very many minds traversed that course with shocked disbelief as they were led into the yard.

There is no way to do a good, thorough review of this book. At least not for me. It’s pure magic. There are a few very minor things; I’m not sure that the made-up daughter needed to be there, as her main purpose seemed to be an inability to be onstage, i.e, present for any of the action at all. That was probably done to underscore Thomas’s religious conundrums, however. As well, the book is not so much peppered with as laced with sex, it is the oil that keeps the pages turning of particularly the first third of the book; if that is something you have a problem with–the Tudor court certainly didn’t.

I’m not sure there are many enormous books one finishes and then wishes they could turn around and read again. There are also, probably, not many trilogies where the final book IS the consummation divine, but, here it is. In writing, in plotting, in pathos, it is everything you need. The writing is beautiful, intricate, stream-of consciousness. It’s so rich I don’t know how a body could sustain the effort required for it’s creation. It is the definition of passion. If Mantel won the Man Booker twice before, they are going to have to invent a new prize for this achievement.


As I cannot continue with mundane life without this portal to the 15th century, I’m back to bobbing along in the sea of uncertainty, as is everyone else at this time [I really reccommend you read The Mirror and the Light for distraction, have I said?] and as I can’t really move on from our relationship, I’m just taking it slow. I’ve tried to get back into my audiobook on Middlemarch, which I actually quite enjoy but it’s not working right now so I told it that I still need some space. However, that silly idea I had last month about reading all of Shakespeare’s English history plays was indeed silly, this is not the time to do it, they will require too much of me. As a compromise to myself I tried to interest my partner in watching The Tudors (that tv series from 10 years ago, did you know it ran for four seasons?) but it’s really not as charming in German, I don’t think we will watch it again.

In exciting quarantine news, I had an (internal) breakdown about wanting to buy an old chair, this crisis is ongoing and I will keep reporting on it’s development. It caused me to use my April audible credit on Empire of Things, a book I wrote a bit about a year ago on this blog, which purports to recount the entire history of the development of consumerism/consumer culture. The audiobook is 35 hours long. I certainly do not have time for that, and yet, perhaps drip-feeding myself some dispassionate non-fiction will provide the distraction from the distraction that I am looking for. I certainly do think about possessions a lot. I have seen a couple episodes of that lushly upholstered museum cabinet that is Downton Abbey recently after years of not watching…I’ve been stuck inside a lot, as we all have. Well, even if I never hear the whole audiobook, at least I don’t feel it’s a “to do.” It’s an option. More breaking news about the chair in future.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I guess work on my thesis. I had one good week of writing and got a lot done. I seem to be rather a “sprinter” without the physique. But as for how to fill the evening hours…there is nothing concrete I can tell you. I’m trying to take walks. I believe I am actually progressing toward the pinnacle of “emptiness”, “boredom” and having no plans at which I have wished to arrive this whole quarantine. And now, it’s here, and quarantine is basically over, at least in Germany. We are all going to run out into the streets to do the very very important things we never thought twice about before. My book hangover will just have to run it’s course. Of one thing I am sure, it is in these times of seeking, and nothing being quite right, when the magic happens, and the next road opens up.

Pink Moon Summation

Ein Viertel des Jahres ist Weg

The last New Moon was 14 days ago. Only two weeks, as it ever is, but two weeks during which this scholar felt like she was being filled up to overflowing with thoughts thoughts thoughts. Useful thoughts, ridiculous thoughts, try-hard thoughts, I’ve-gotta-change-my-ways thoughts, not enough filmy pretty thoughts, no juicy thoughts, just in-for-mation. I’m overextended, to no real purpose, and until this morning (wah what a bad sleep from all that moonlight) I felt so pressured that if I whistled I’m sure steam would have come out. All this round and round in the mental space. And nothing concrete to show for it.

For much of the last fortnight (we really ought to go back to measuring by fortnights–fornights linked to the MOON cycle how romantic is that–) my thoughts were:

I’m so behind. Oh god, I’m a fool, I’m so behind.

There is no space to breathe. There is no space between. There are too many things to take in, to read and to know. Do we exist to shove down material, material, information even if it comes in the form of great knowledge, cool science, or classic books?

No. We need to breathe and have an experience. We need space to be wrong and foolhardy.

I felt like all the space was being pressed out of my life.

Luckily, extremely luckily, it appears to have mostly been a celestial phenomenon. I feel better today. Today—there is time. Time to do all the needful tasks, and a few dollops of sitting on the balcony feeling the sun’s rays after a long winter (think back– you can’t remember the beginning of it, can you?) and to write a tidbit extra. Thank goodness. If I don’t have a good waffle every once and awhile I feel I’m going to burst. And at this point in the Corona-quarantine I have pretty much verbally expressed every potential thing that I have to say, so better write it.

Let’s structure this waffle-post into three sections:

  1. Celebration
  2. Preparation / Illumination
  3. Exploration

1. Celebration:

On March 28, 2020 this blog celebrated being 1 year old! That’s really amazing, mostly to me. I can’t believe I have kept it going–I can’t believe I have been brave enough to write in public. I am so, so happy that it has been available for me to let some of my extra words out upon. It has been so necessary. It’s been a joy. It has helped me do that thing–you know, that thing they call “finding your voice.” It isn’t fully found yet, but it’s a very interesting personal search.

Do I have any plans for this blog? No. It’s not a side-hustle, and I am not a brand. Just that it continues to exist.

2.a. Preparation:

I just want to wheeze on a tiny bit more about my work-worries. 1) There is SO much more that I need to know, before I am done this PhD. Whew. That is terrifying but needs to be said. 2) I cannot believe how much TIME it takes to understand something—to be sure about even the most “basic” things.

I have come to the point where I have to justify the reasoning underpinning the corpus of texts I have chosen to work on. Of course, I have been working hard to understand theses texts for years, I hit upon my method of gathering data from them in late 2017, but in order to write this section of my thesis with authority I need to have read ALL the books and ALL their footnotes. I need to comb through my database, which already has 4,000 entries multiple times to track the museum numbers of specific objects. I need to check and re-check. And it is taking FOREVER.

All of this has to be done, in order to prove assertions that I started working from, years ago. But I couldn’t have worked out every parameter beforehand, years ago I wasn’t able to even ask the questions I am asking now, or see the potential problems other, more knowledgeable people might see. When it’s night and you can’t see farther than your own hand, you just stumble onward until you hit something.

Somehow, I thought this fact-checking process would not have taken as long as it has, it has eaten the last fortnight and will consume at least another. So I must bow to the reality that I will be fortunate if this “Provenance Problem” is fully sorted out by the end of April. I need to know it all, every word and number that has been printed regarding these objects, or someone will find a hole, and so much may crumble. I am a bit antsy, this seems such basic work—and I have been working off my assumptions for years, they have worn into comforting certitudes. However,only in the last week did I find 8 more rogue tablets which must be added to my corpus—Dios mío that comes from not reading a footnote fully. Comforting assumptions are not enough—I must get to the bottom of it all. Goodbye April—you too are vanishing into the mist.

2.b. Illumination:

A couple posts ago, I wrote about the blissful occurrence I have experienced, and one which I (desperately) hoped would come again, that of “every four months or so the clouds part and I realize something new about my work.” Well, that has kind of happened again, I have had a small breakthrough in the foreground while I have been chopping wood for my database in the background. The clouds parted—and I realized something that might have been obvious to any casual observer—but I have been looking at things too closely. I’ll paraphrase: basically, I have been “saving” all my history facts regarding a particular ancient city for ages, with the intention to write them up as the first chapter of my thesis, in actuality, as the introduction to it.

This past week, as the moon waxed, I realized: my thesis is called “Early Sumerian at Ancient City X”; it’s not called “Here’s a History of Ancient City X.” Good grief. I don’t have to, and I shouldn’t, write a long-winded introductory chapter treading all the ground several others have been over before. I only need to write a neat synopsis on Early Sumerian. (This will in fact be extremely “neat” in terms of “one whisky please, neat” because we do not know much about Early Sumerian). It will also be a hell of a lot more interesting (and that comes from someone in love with history) because I will be writing about what we don’t know, the questions we still seek to pose, which are so much more exciting, like tight-roping without a net.

So the clouds scudded out of the way and in a flash I saw: that writing about the language under consideration will create a much more useful introduction to a thoroughly philological dissertation. (The lovingly collected historical facts will be worked in at relevant junctures).

Sometimes you don’t know until you know.

3. Exploration:

Well, now that you have had (and even I have had) enough chat about my thesis and my budget (thank you it’s been very cathartic) I will give a quick recap of the books I have been looking into. I’m not going to overload myself in any way, this is a time for letting it all fall apart after all. I’m hearing “My Life in Middlemarch” on Audiobook, which is a memoir I listen to while cleaning or cooking; it’s interesting. I plan to write more about Middlemarch on this blog–I’m not done with it.

What I am done with is Lincoln in the Bardo, whoa, it is WAY too sad. And hits too close to home, reading it would be a misery. Not gonna do it, stopped it and will put it in the zu verschenken. Although it’s not like I wish that misery on the person who picks it up…Well, it has to go out of our house, that’s all. I guess it was interesting and experimental, but nope, not for me.

I have started kind of a silly thing, the DORKIEST thing really, let’s see where I get to. I’m going to sort of (and not if it gets too taxing) work through Shakespeare’s English History plays. Why? Who knows. But night is the time when we dance and bounce about! So…the time is now.

I am actually reading the major tome that is The Mirror and the Light, by Hillary Mantel—this may have suggested my Shakespeare fancy to me, or else something is in the air…I’m barely a quarter of the way in, and I am already rationing this book. I am trying NOT to read it. I want to make it last longer. I think it is the best written of the Trilogy, maybe the plot of Wolf Hall has faster wheels, but the prose…it’s just…sooooo intricate. I do not know how it was created—well, it is clear that it was woven. And it is beautiful, not dull at all although distilled from approximately one million droplets of impression and memory. I suppose if I only read this, my year is complete. But I am craving something for afters, something light light light. Powder light. Cotton-candy airy.

Let me know if you have any suggestions. If not, I put my trust in quarterly flashes of insight.

A Fragmented February

It swam through me

Book Choice for February 2020: Coke Machine Glow by Gordon Downie

Dear Readers—we are in a pandemic. I know it didn’t sound like I knew that in my last post, which was written slightly before, but I was aware. And now we are all getting used to our new Ausgangsbeschrankungen (restrictions on our ability to go out). I won’t go into detail again about how these things do not change my life overly much, I have been hermiting indoors for years it seems, or the tremendous privileges that allow me to do so. I’ll just say: I hope you all stay safe. And that we have learned that all healthcare staff and essential workers are the bravest people on the planet.

February was a weird month for me, it wasn’t really a month. There was “the time we went on holiday” and the time after that just jelled with the first half of March into one mass. I wanted to sit down and write about these times and what I feel, but no discrete themes come to mind.

I found it, and am still finding it, hard to concentrate, and difficult to settle to anything serious. I have been having weird dreams, my mind still seems to be stuck recycling the past (why always the same period of the past)… About two weeks ago my stomach was falling through the floor daily, watching the numbers double every morning on the corona-map, while many governments refused to act. Anyway. This sort of thing clearly breaks people who got into leadership for the wrong reasons. A pretty vicious winnowing fork. (Umm, do I seriously not have a more modern metaphor to hand…?)

Anywhoo, I feel scattered. There aren’t enough metaphors for how “random” I feel (that’s what we used to say in high school one thousand years ago)….soo random.… In the last stretched-out month I had about SO many little jobs to do for other people that just kept hanging around forever and getting in the way of my thesis. But now that I think of it, I am not sure that I could have accomplished much even if I had had a clear field. Since I couldn’t fix my mind on any constructive long-term purpose I read the poetry collection pictured above to the end.

I had started it before, and since the poems are just fragments, miscreant verses who slept in too long to make it into one of Downie’s songs, I managed, over several random days (randomimity is the only constant right now) to finish the book off. Not that finishing a poetry collection is the goal of such a collection: basically I drank the water down til there wasn’t any more.

Gord Downie. Gord Downie was…

It’s terrible to have to say that Gord Downie was…

It’s impossible to think that a piece of the soul of Canada has died, but, no man is immortal.

Luckily, his songs are. And although I didn’t find too many gems in this poetry collection, I don’t care. I wanted the book because I wanted a part of IT. That thing. All of the intangible moments The Tragically Hip gifted our country across the years, and also that final tour in 2016 when Canada came together to, well, worship. The unforgettable outdoor gatherings, big screens in the streets and everybody out together to hear Downie and his band finish what they had started in Kingston twenty years before. Twenty years was too short a time. It should have been longer. Their first album came out in 1989. Deee-fer-ent times.

It was the only manifestation, ever, of a good kind of nationalism. And I have found out over the years that the Hip don’t really translate, you have to be a Canadian, born or acquired, to get it. He’s our poet. Our beautifully strident warbler, who hit us with nonsense truer than true, that only we can decipher.

“Grunt work time between dream state and duty
Poking through with all them shoots of beauty”

“But when she saw that nickel stack
She whistled hard and I whistled back, Thompson Girl”

-Thompson Girl (1998)

“I know you’re standing at the station
I know there’s nothing on
I know that alienation
I know the train’s long gone

I can see how your face tautens
Like you’ve got something on
It makes me feel just rotten
But you’ve got something on”

-Phantom Power (1998)

This way of making words so much more than words is obviously beyond me, as is all musicality. And as I was sitting down to write this, I thought “I should listen to all their stuff! I should go through their complete discography and hear it again and know it…” and then it dawned on me that this is the rather deadened way I take on a lot of my projects. It’s got to be COMPREHENSIVE OR BUST. But that is not life. It’s not a ffing tick-checklist. I love the Hip, I suggest you do the obvious and love them too. Gord died of brain cancer, somehow, but they will never vanish from the earth. And I don’t need to STUDY them to know that I love them, that I get them, that I am so grateful they get me. Sometime I will be home again and they will be on the radio, as they always are, and I’ll be driving into the weak winter sunset that nevertheless still blinds you and I will hear them, because they are just there, in the air, and I will have that highway moment that we all have.

Thank you, boys.

The Key To All Mythologies

Is an anti-hero perhaps staring back at you?

Book Choice for March 2020: Middlemarch by George Eliot

In the middle of March, I was about a third of the way through Middlemarch, by George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) and I was simultaneously floored by its incredible width and DEPTH. There cannot be SO many books that plumb the psychological depths of nearly all of their characters, while containing a literal WORLD within them (I know there are fantasy books which contain literal alternate “worlds,” but…) this big fat book is basically a reconstruction of English village life from around, I believe, the time that Queen Victoria took the throne (although it was published in 1872). Everything is present, preserved in its pages, down to the hand-sewn stitches in the hems of the women’s layered skirts and the grimace which turns down the corners of a farm-labourer’s mouth…

And yet. It’s lovely to read, or hear, I should say. I very much wanted to “read Middlemarch in March” as I have mentioned before (what can I say, cannot pass up a cool trend) and I just find myself too swamped mentally to read such a long book right now. It was however, HEARTILY recommended to me, I was told by a dear friend it is something really unique, which caused it to lodge in my brain because in general, I do not think I am meant to read these Victorian Who Will She Marry stories. (I have become okay with the fact that I am never going to read, or even listen to Anthony Trollope books again, life is too short. And besides, after Middlemarch, his characters appear, comparison being a brutal thing, quite thin by contrast).

Middlemarch’s propensity for psychoanalysis might actually go TOO far—now that I have seen every character in every mood, and in many situations both normal and trying, now that I know their private dreams, confessions and impressions, I can only conclude that there are no villains; people are basically good.

To which I can only say: Damn it. It really IS that simple, because we are all so complex. Everyone, even despicable people have always done something in the right direction in their lives, they have loved SOMEONE, they have had a charming doubt about themselves, they have confronted the certainty of their own death, which cases, naturally, unwillingly, an empathetic sensation in your own stomach.

Our cruelty to each other is usually born from tiny unconsciousnesses.

ANYWAY—that is not what I wanted to talk about in this blog. I want to talk about a dried old prune. Specifically Mr. Casaubon the scholar, and the decrepit figure he makes, shuffling around, pale and crusty, selfishly ruining everyone’s life while he writes…nothing.

Well, that about sums it up. My descriptions are becoming a bit too efficient. It’s just funny, because had I read this in high school I’m sure I wouldn’t have seen myself in Mr. Casaubon, but I cannot now help making comparisons. His polite, stiff, coldfishness is a feature of so many scenes. Most surrounding characters believe him to be simply the worst. And yet. He can garner the sympathy of the reader. I just cannot help talking about Casaubon here, its so relevant. He’s a major force in the book –with all the force of a dusty treatise falling off a shelf onto the floor– and his scholarship is dwelt on in such poignant detail…although many suspect…and his wife begins to suspect…

This endeavor might be pointless.

Mr. Casaubon has been engaged all his adult life on taking notes for, but not necessarily writing, or drafting in any way, (uhhm…why is the bile rising in my throat?) a huge work which is to be entitled: “The Key to All Mythologies.” This has allowed him to dabble in every type of mythology from around the world, snooping into hundreds of books. (And his great wealth has allowed him to be a permanently independent scholar, an aspect of his life I don’t sympathize with, obviously). Somewhere around Chapter 40 he has just begun to contemplate that life is not infinite, and that he may never finish his life’s work….in fact, he may never begin it. He has been playing at scholarship his whole life.

It’s harrowing.

(Also, currently, it strikes way too close to the bone. Are you really anything before you have made something? Personally, I am feeling a bit like a fetus).

In physical appearance, Mr. Casaubon and I are nothing alike. I’m not fifty, and rarely brood (I haven’t got time). He’s constantly described as thin as a rail, with a face you somehow imagine as, well, Thomas Aquinus living on a cloud forever (you’ll see) whereas I’m decently plump and cheerful. He spends his days answering letters, composing beautiful dedicatory paragraphs that are never read, reading, ruminating, wondering how he will be remembered by posterity, and staring out the window. I spend my days—-I’d rather not say. I’m not in the place of being able to analyse what I am doing…I’m just doing and hoping the clouds will part and it will become more clear; something which happens about every four months or so.

I must interject with positivity: it doesn’t actually matter how we spend our lives, if we like them.

It doesn’t matter what we do daily, if we put happiness first, that is to say, it will matter that we tried to live our minutes. There may not actually be any way of “balancing” scholarship and relationships, friendships, fun etc. perfectly. But you can’t go too far, you want to avoid a completely dried-prune situation. It takes a lot to do great work, my boyfriend and I talk about this ALL the time, not because we are doing great work, but we rather fantasize about those who have; we have to remind ourselves to be realistic. Great work takes a toll. It has even turned geniuses mad.

(We are not geniuses, but it doesn’t really matter. The trying is the thing)

When I was younger, for example going to Uni for the first time 2003-2007, I perhaps could have guessed, if I had been capable of reflection at the time, that I was not meant for the crabbed, cramped, indoor world of scholarship. But instead of taking that onboard, I decided to apply to one of the most prestigious Uni’s in the world (but that truly is a story for another day). Even there, I was an erratic student, but since then…since I was pulled back in…I remember a friend saying when I started my PhD “Oh, you won’t do anything else now” (she meant come back to the real world and real jobs), “they have got you good.”

Although it still seems unlikely, because I have been anything but a success, this is what I have chosen. In the time since c. 2016 (and under conditions of the pervasive Druck of the German work ethic) and I have learned how to sit down, concentrate, optimize myself, crank out work, even manage my time (this phrase pretty much means working all the time, or in the words of another friend “working every day you are well enough to work,” prove me wrong)…Anyway, being a student was something I had to learn how to do, it didn’t come naturally. I wonder if it came naturally to Mr. Casaubon, if that’s really what he was born for, or could it be that he had a wild-youth sunlit backstory of yearning…The book is silent on this point. It allows you to share the surmises of the other characters, that Mr. Casaubon’s life was ever the same shade of bleakness, that he came out a fully formed dried husk and has never lived. It’s a bit strange to me how he is universally pitied or resented and described as basically a ghost in his own life…

(For his own sake thank goodness that he is a rich man, that counted for much in 1840)

I must admit, I have never identified so much with a male character in my life, nor had so many unresolved questions and feelings about him. And this book is full of lovely, intricate females with whom I certainly could sympathise, but here we are: I see this man in the mirror.

A Beowulf Kind of Mood

Looking toward the North Countries

Book Choice for January 2020: Beowulf, Author unknown, 6th (?) c. AD

I’m on holiday. I’m on holiiii-daaaay. While I have since had the luxury of studying in a couple countries, growing up we weren’t “holiday people.” So many people in North America just have to work so much. Almost every summer of my childhood however, we would drive 900km to my grandma and grandpa’s house in the idyllic Eastern townships of Quebec, I ran wild over my dad’s little farm, and we went camping for a week or two. Those were the trips I took, along with two exceptional trips out East, once to PEI and once to the Bay of Fundy. Looking back my childhood does seem very natur-y. And I didn’t set foot on a plane until I was 19.

Now I’m thirty, and beginning to learn that holidays don’t just happen, you really have to MAKE them happen. You have to coordinate schedules with your partner’s holidays. You have to book tickets  in advance. You have to leave detailed cat care instructions, and bribe your friend with ice cream. You have to work ahead and make sure everything is done so you can be without email for a few days (ideally).You have to clean the house decently and buy extra cat food. You have to pack!

Yes it’s a lot to do, to take a 4 day holiday.  And we aren’t going so far, we are going to the Coast (of Germany). But it’s still fairly exciting (I’m in the liminal space of being on the train right now), we are just starting out. Will it be relaxing? Will the days hang heavy on our hands? What is travelling anyway?

I’m not sure, but we are seizing this opportunity. Awhile ago I wrote in my phone that my ideal life would be “doing pieces of writing and then taking vacations to recover from them” (I know, seriously, who do I think I am?) My boyfriend said “yeah hun that WOULD be nice.”

Anyway, maybe it’s working. Only two weeks ago I submitted a piece of writing, my first article, and it sure did make me very tired. Submitting the article was followed by a three-day hangover, not alcohol induced, thankfully, but the writing process had taken its toll, even though I was reasonably on schedule until the very end. Writing a (short!) article turned out to be an incredibly emotional battle against myself, who was CERTAIN I could never make it–how dare I think I could—be a scholar—in moments I thought I would not finish and therefore, die—and then it was done. It was existential.

None of the above matters. The tiny hinge between my internal confidence war and the work of art that is Beowulf was originally meant to be the Sea, but this has now been overtaken in my mind by the theme of “battle,” in general. My demons were interior, intent on self-sabotage; Beowulf’s water monsters were personifications of chaotic external forces, intent on destruction…Come to think of it, maybe the monsters Grendel and his mother were manifestations of Beowulf’s internal psyche, of his deep-rooted human fear of being extinguished… who on earth knows how literature works?*

Returning to reality, I read Beowulf in January. Actually, I listened to it on audiobook (I have a tangent on this topic, but I’ll save it for another day) in the translation by Seamus Heaney, which the author himself read, and it was wonderful. As Beowulf was originally an orally-transmitted poem, taking the chance of listening to it really turned out to have been the right way to do it. Heaney’s translation flows superbly, and his word-choice, in many cases the literal renderings of the old English (or at least it sounds this way), is incredibly atmospheric,  sparks flying up to the dark heavens, cloudy waters, flame…I’m simply not doing it justice, it’s a must read (or listen).

I took an Old English course once, when I was underemployed and passing the time (as usual I look back to the time before I met my profession as a charmingly different world of unknowingness and time. Can this particular feeling of the slower pace of one’s past ever be found again?) Although the course was great, and the teacher a truly ‘unique’ eccentric, who used her vacations to travel on cargo ships so that she could write while feeling the sea rolling; there is something about studying, learning the technical aspects of literature and language and caught up in “doing translations” for homework, that led to me leaving the course without the deep appreciation for Beowulf that I have now, after hearing Heaney’s version.

I’m sure we read it, or were supposed to, among many other fragments of Old English poetry and history but it didn’t leave the same impression that I have recently gained. I had to slow down. I had to sit and listen to the cadences. And—I am writing the conclusion to this blog post a month after our trip to the sea—it has stayed with me. I have a paperback copy of Heaney’s version at home, and it is on my to-retrieve list. I would love to read Beowulf yearly. I would love to know it. As I can’t climb out of the historian’s skin I was born in I also want to dork out with the introduction to the gloomy Denmark of that time, but I must concede that Beowulf is so mysterious and powerful it actually beats imagining the historical reality; it is the daydream, it is the nightmare.

It’s a myth that tells itself.

*lots of people, accredited and otherwise

2019 Reading Year In Review

Trying to make sitting in this chair after dinner a habit. Hack your environment!

Well hello and welcome back to slowscholarship.com, where we do things slowly (obviously) and pedantically (of course). I’d like to share the results of my self-imposed 12 Books a Year Challenge, as I have recently posted the last book-review(-ish) blog for that Challenge. I am going to read 12 Books again this year, it’s going to be my thing. I find I need this much time not only to read worthwhile books, but also to absorb them.

2019 Planned Books———————————–> 2019 Substituted Books

Jan – The Canterbury Tales, Chaucer

Feb – Diary of a Nobody, W.&G. Grossmith

[Middlemarch] ————————————>The Unbearable Lightness of Being

April – Night and Day, V. Woolf

May – Wolf Hall, H. Mantel

June [The Blazing World] ———————–>The Idiot E. Batuman

July A Clergyman’s Daughter

August [Ich, Helena von Troja]——————>Alice in Wonderland

Sept – The Wasteland T.S. Eliot

Oct – The Persians, Aeschylus

Nov – Cold Comfort Farm

Dec – De Rerum Natura, Lucretius————–>Schadenfreude, R. Schuman

Therefore, for the most part, I stuck to my plan. I am quite proud of myself for seeing it through, and writing a bit about each book on this blog, even though I went overtime and into 2019. It’s not a problem. There were about 4 months scattered throughout 2019 where I read nothing or did not write anything, I think I am a bit more hooked and can stay on top of it this year, because now I do see that there is a world of books that I can relax with. At the end of the year I really did go for shorter books, as I realized in late December I still has four books to read. Hopefully this won’t happen in 2020, but I make no promises.

I had one DNF, Villette by Charlotte Bronte, which I have heard great things about, but nevertheless I will probably never attempt it again. I just could NOT get on with the narrator Lucy Snow although the language, the writine was absolutely beautiful. When Lucy criticises her colleague into the ground for liking pleasurable things, like nice clothes and fun books (when life should just be a misery) I began to take against her (although now I do think she is meant to be a bit mentally ill). By the time Lucy has a tirade about how she would rather see a flower growing wild then ever see it picked (and I think she was being offered flowers at the time!) her not-like-other-girls pose had grated to the point of unendurability for me.

There are some books which I suppose are not read for pleasure, and really are meant to teach you about the (fairly gross) headspace of someone who is difficult to like, but even learning something was not worth it to me. Blech!! Imagine the complete opposite of sunny Anne Shirley and you’ve got Lucy Snow who rather hopes for the worst. And she can’t get what she wants in love, because she’s too homely, and she starts a horrid romance with an annoying guy just like her (match made in heaven indeed) where all they do is snark meanly at each other—that’s when I had to bow out. No regrets.

My Rating System:

DNF – Did not finish and chose a new book

1 Star – It was an okay experience to have read this book.

2 Star – This book was really enjoyable.

3 Star – This is a great book I really loved and I will need to have a copy accompanying me my whole life. Deserves at least a re-read.

The 12 Books, Rated:

DNF: Villette

1 Star

The Canterbury Tales, Diary of a Nobody, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Night and Day, The Clergyman’s Daughter, Alice in Wonderland

2 Stars

Wolf Hall, The Idiot, The Wasteland (and Paris: a Poem), The Persians, Schadenfreude.

3 Stars

Cold Comfort Farm


There were other books too, you see, ones that were not planned but snuck in. Of these there were 7 good ones and 2 which I don’t consider high-brow (?) or taxing (?) enough or just which regard appropriate subject matter (they were both a little like the feeling of glimpsing road accidents, so wrong but you can’t look away). I will write about the 7 worthwhile ones in an upcoming blog post, also with ratings.

Things I discovered from this Year of Reading:

Not My Jam:

Chaucer in general, plaintive modern novels, womanizing male leads & sad Theresas (I knew this before, really), P.G. Wodehouse, taking-it-for-granted that socialism must be abused, self-praising one’s own pretty face (shudder), rich people in London (but rich people elsewhere are fine), reading in German (need to fix this!), Nonsense, talking animals, when babies fix everything.

Indeed My Jam:

Gentle supercilious humour, the idea of Virginia Woolf (perhaps more than the reality), Marxist ideals, FFM (forgotten female modernists), Modern poetry in general, satire, ancient Greek Classics (f yeah), books relating to academia (called it, I’m addicted).

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