The Dissertation Rollercoaster Part 2
Well, hello again! (That was a very long “day” spanning from June 13th right to the last day of June!) In today’s post I will update you about the highs of the PhD, as there have been a few good things going on lately. Really, one cannot take the low times too seriously, there have been worse times in my PhD than the vague depression that I went on about in my last post, of having no money to pay my bills, and other assprted trifles. And I feel that complaining lowers one’s chances of being taken seriously, of being a SUCCESS.
I have been thinking about success off and on the last while, which is a completely useless thing to do. It’s uncertain if my work will ever be completed, much less whether it will be a success. And there are a lot of dice games played when one is trying to win a job in academia, so much that every time I think about the Future—I just have to remember to shake myself because you CAN’T know. So don’t think about success. Have a sneaking suspicion that somehow you are destined for greatness, sure, but don’t speak it aloud to friend or foe. The world is too willing to test you.
But the good things, yes. One good thing I did was that I went to Berlin to visit my tablets in the museum where they repose, the rarest unreadable things in the world—and I actually, because I am on the slowest improvement curve in the world (but hey, at least it’s trending UP) I actually worked hard. I think this is my fourth or fifth time to visit my tablets (I hope it is only the fourth) and previously, I have kind of dithered, been distracted, and have not used my precious time in the hermetically sealed tablet room particularly well.
This time however, I was on point and engaged, and somehow, my mind was clear (maybe getting away from your surroundings, even for 2 days, really does help) I had lots of ideas, I checked all ten tablets allotted to me, and I almost finished drawing one side of a large tablet which seems to contain literature (that no one has ever even tried to read). The process of checking tablets sign-by sign for the most minor details (details which you can’t even see on enlarged computer scans) is called “collation” by the way. (Jargon!) Assyriology is an arcane discipline which requires one to actually see the artefacts with their own eyes, and the study room at the Vorderasiatisches Museum Berlin is really a haven in a wild world.
Another positive thing that I am doing for myself/ putting myself through is going to the annual conference for Assyriologists and Near Eastern Archaeologists (also Hittitologists, I suppose they are in there too). I wasn’t planning on it, but I got myself in just under the deadline, and now I am presenting a short paper. This is something GOOD for me to do, as I am afraid even our tiny community might forget that I am still working on the PhD, as I haven’t finished. (I have suffered a lot this month comparing myself to German PhD students who “often” (a kind friend recently told me it is debatable how common this is) finish their PhDs in 3 years flat. We are coming up to the end of my fourth….but I must just stay strong, keep going , plan and execute (the plans, not myself…poor taste, I’m aware…)
Anyway, I am going to attend the conference, and it’s actually quite soon. I’m preparing. I hope to say something useful and slightly provoking, and harvest all the input I can for my own basically unwritten dissertation. I know, its too late for it to be “basically unwritten”–but I said this blog was not going to be One Big Panic. That was last post. It’s not so easy you know, to make yourself write. I didn’t think I was scared of writing, but the articles I “need” to read keep ballooning, not getting fewer, and I have to wonder if maybe I actually AM scared of writing.
Ok, fine. Right now I really have to put the pedal down in order to get my conference speech done, but I promise the two readers of this blog that when I get back from Paris (le sigh!) I will take the advice of the only dissertation-writing book which will not give the reader heartburn—and that is Joan Bolker’s Writing Your Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day (1998).
It is one where basically, the wisdom is there for all to see in the title, but nevertheless, it is harder to put into practice than you might think.
In the second half of July my boyfriend and I will also be moving to a new flat, which IS DEFINITELY a wonderful new thing, as I can’t wait to get out of shared accommodation. We are packing now, in the evenings, and there are a million things to attend to in closing our flat, but such is life. Actually, in Bolker’s book, there are 3 things that you are not supposed to do during your PhD, as follows: 1. Move house, 2. Go on long trips and 3. Get a puppy. As I have been back and forth to Canada at least a month each year of my diss, to see family and to work, and due to the fact that we cherish a hope of getting a pug and naming him Bertie, I will be three for three on Bolker’s list of forbidden tasks. And yet, life must be lived as it comes.
I recommend 15 Minutes a Day… as the gentlest book out there on doing a PhD, (for what I consider, the right reasons). It’s also incredibly sweet (and basically a historical artefact, going on about the agonizing decision one faces when choosing between word-processing or using a typewriter). I still have another guide that I picked up in 2008 and which might as well be called How to Make Yourself a Knife-Sharp Competition-Destroying Hard-Work No-Fun Machine, which I will not mention, as obviously it is my secret weapon. (That IS a joke!) I am not sure why I hold onto that guide though. Maybe because German PhDs certainly are choose-your-own-adventures. (And that’s why I came here). But if you need reassurance, Bolker’s book starts from the premise that you will be undertaking a PhD very much for your own personal improvement and satisfaction.
And, at the end of the day, that’s all you have.